Confessions of a coffee addict

Sitting on fences is a hobby of mine when it comes to food and beverages. I’ll drink plenty of water, then chug a whole pitcher of beer. What can I say? You live only once. But no matter how good (or bad) my health habits are, one vice I can never shake is coffee.

I don’t even drink it for its intended purpose. Coffee no longer has any effect on my energy level or personality, for that matter. If I’m having a Moody Monday, I’m going to be that way all day whether I had my coffee or not.

That said, what coffee DOES do for me is make me momentarily content for the duration of the time I’m drinking it. I’m no expert in expensive, foreign brands, but I’m queen of the knockoffs available in my locale, including Starbucks, Tim Horton’s, Second Cup, McDonalds, and the hundreds of local cafes in my city.

Review #1: I hate Starbucks. Why? Well, I’m one of those bougie people who thinks that staying away from the stereotypically “most-bougie” option despite continuing to act bougie as hell in lower-class location will somehow make us seem a little less bougie to everyone else.

Note to self: It won’t. Strutting into McDonald’s with your nose up and pinky in the air will conceal nothing. Your true identity will be plain as day.

In all seriousness, however, Starbucks does have the best (and most costly) coffee of the 9-5er’s daily stop options. I simply would prefer to have someone else mix the cream and sugar exactly the same way, every day, for me. I do not like having to do it myself. That just means the coffee will taste different every time, and that will screw with me head.

Review #2: Tim Horton’s wins for me. Despite the poor quality coffee, compared to Starbucks, it still has an element of elegance (I think?) compared to grabbing my coffee at McDonald’s or Second Cup, and at least the taste is consistent. If I order a double double, it’s going to taste that way every time. I can actually tell identify a Timmie’s regular, double-double, and triple-triple coffee order while blindfolded. (Don’t ask).

Though their coffee has absolutely zero effect on anything other than my tastebuds and waistline, I will keep going there if it’s for nothing more than convenience, consistency, and the perfect place to perpetuate my pretentious prance.

Review #3: McDonald’s coffee cups have stickers that I can collect to get free coffee every week or so (7 stickers to a free coffee basically means free weekly coffee for a daily-cupper like me). Those are for days where I run out of the house dressed too badly to be seen within 5 miles of a Starbucks entrance.

Coffee, sweet coffee. The only way I won’t drink it is black. Because …no. It’s bitter and tastes like a bad relationship. Other than that, I drink it with varying amounts of cream, milk or sugar, and I’ll have it hot, iced, or mixed with a flavour shot (french vanilla, especially).

I’ll even ask to have it topped with whipped cream and chocolate drops.

Because why the hell not.

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